Red Bull instead signs Fernando Alonso and (for reasons even they can’t explain) Daniel Ricciardo. The car is undrivable. Alonso contemplates his life decisions with every miserable lap. Red Bull shitcan Danny Ric 6 races in. Having no junior drivers left to string along they are forced to sign Pastor Maldonado, who causes so many crashes we end up with Lance Stroll as WDC.

Don’t you mess with my Williams squad. They got enough going on right now.