Vote for no Republicans. No excuses. No exceptions.

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Joined 2 months ago
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Cake day: March 3rd, 2025

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  • Now just hear me out.

    Trump and Musk are in bed with Putin.

    Putin props himself up on his elbow as he takes the last drag of his cigarette, the sheet carelessly exposing his right nipple. He looks deeply into Trump’s eyes, a coquettish grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.

    “Guys, guys. What do you think would happen if something were to happen to a lot of those intercontinental data cables?”

    Musk giggles and says, “The walls are talking to me. Or is it that gargoyle in the corner?”

    Putin rolls over to his other side to gaze lovingly into Musk’s eyes, while Musk ignores him to stare in awe at various nonexistent things he sees around the room. “But Musky,” he slowly trails one finger from Elon’s belly button down in the direction of his crotch, “those can take a long time to repair. They’ll need something that doesn’t require those cables. And, cough we have something like that, don’t we?”

    Trump says, “Remember that time when the hand of God saved me from that bullet at the very last moment? Many people, everyone really, couldn’t stop talking about how valiant I looked. Plymouth Valiant - great car. Some say the best car, the very best. They are all saying it. From the moment that car stopped being produced it was all downhill, just like a river flowing downhill. Did you know the liberals don’t like rivers? Because the Rio Grande makes it harder for the illegals to come here from Mexico. Why is it spelled like that? Where did that “e” come from? What does Rio mean anyway? You know we should rename it, like we did the Gulf of America. It could be the River of America, and that would really be grand, everyone’s saying it. We could find a way to set it on fire, that might be easier than building a wall. You know you can get fire from water, it’s not that hard really, I saw it coming out of faucets in Michigan - we should learn how they did that and just do it to the Rio Grand-”

    Putin says, “OK, so we are agreed.”

    He lovingly kisses them both on the mouth, savoring the flavor of Trump on Musk’s lips just a moment, pulls the sheet up close in modesty, and runs from the room on his tiptoes with a brief giggle, wondering which admiral he should call first. He nearly trips over JD Vance, who is curled up with his collar and leash near the threshold.